Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
