apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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