I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
