On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
