There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
