Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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