I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
