What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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