My room smells like vodka and shame
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
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i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
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Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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