She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
