I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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