He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
