i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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