I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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