turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
