if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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