Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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