I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
