Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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