I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
