Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
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I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
soo... how was my night?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize