Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
