i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
