im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I don't deserve a penis
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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