Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
