i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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