we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
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its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
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She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
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