I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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