Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
