This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
