turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
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