hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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