You're a womanizer and a bitch.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
