I'm eating all of the evidence.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie