and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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