i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
