My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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