I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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