I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
