I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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