Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
