i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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