I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
