i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
