My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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