totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
