I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
