How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm just crazy horny about you
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
