You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Sorry my hands just texted you
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
