I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
