True but thats because hes a fetus.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
