HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
