I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Randomize
