my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
