there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
