i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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