I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
