I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
