I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
