you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Randomize
